say hi to...

it's not like i'm trying to brush you off
i'm just ignoring the fact
that you brushed me off
maaybe i'm just not that important
maybe i'm not distracting enough
it's ok though
there is nothing that time won't erase
i'm a big fucking boy
and crying was so yesterday
or maybe tonight too
who knows

for now
i'll just think about what's important
aka
nothing
too bad it's not that easy
everything's important
everything is so damn intertwined
and beautiful
so someday i'll know what this night meant
someday i'll know what i meant
but for now
i'll think of ghosts
in their own strange way
they care
even though they disappear now and then
they'll come back

say hi to me

for God's sake
suffocate me
I can handle it
I'm not asking you to kill me
I'm just asking you to make it
so that I have a reminder
that you're still there
I do know you're still there
but please
i'm begging you
make this tangible
make tears flow from my eyes
while I can't breathe
then save me
take me in this moment of euphoria
and then i'll be ok

i thought i could keep up
and tell you a story of my life
soon i realized that i only have so much to tell
that eventually i'll run out
and won't be able to capture you're interest anymore
and that i did

it's not like it's a bad thing
i just set the expectations for myself too high
and i couldn't keep up anymore

someday i'll know what's expected
but not today

for now i'll just not worry about it
there's no point

like it says in the alchemist

i'll focus on making today better, so my future will be the same

say hi to new

i'm new to this
i'm new to you
i'm still scared
not of you
just of not doing things right

after all
we both know you were right
i'm just a child
a bit more naive than i thought
a bit more stupid than i thought

i still want you
even though you'll never want me

i'm ready
to grow up

i won't give up on you

i want you
and thats that
i'm ready to make the step onto the same page as you
so
i'm going to do it
for more than talk
for real
for you


i love you

little bird

little bird on the ground
i'm sorry but
i can't help you out this time

but i was hoping i could borrow
a feather or two
my superman cape isn't
working the way i thought it would

it's only good for hiding behind
and i can't hide no more

i was planning on
flying her out of here tonight
but instead
she took my hands
covered in blood
and walked me out on my two feet

truth be told
it probably worked out for the best
she always knew i'd be too scared
to ever attempt to fly

little bird on the ground
i'm sorry for
what i'm about to do

it's what keeps me alive

only once before have i felt so motivated
and even then i'm not sure it was as motivated
naturally i'm a pessimist
my first reaction is to quit
but i can't
and even more
what would be the point
for what reason would i be quitting
there is none
so i will stick it out
i'll learn to grow up
and i will wait for you
because you're worth it
and if you'll give me the change again
i promise i'll do everything
to have made it more than worth it

i'm a kid again

once again
i feel scared like a child
but yet i still envy children
i envy their ability to be naive
their ability to have hope
i no longer have that
i can no longer look past
the hopelessness of the situation
it's right in front of me
staring me in the face
but i can't confront it
because i'm too scared
in this sense
i'll sadly always be a child

it's too late

i was afraid to play hard to get
because i was afraid that you would lose interest
because if i wasn't giving it my everything
maybe you wouldn't see any value in me at all
it turns out i didn't have to play hard to get
for you to lose interest
the only conclusion that i can come up with
is that my best still isn't enough
it never has been
and never will be
i would love to change that
but how the fuck
do i change not being good enough

i am empty now

only cause this is private

i have so much to tell you
but i can't
it wouldn't be right
and you wouldn't care
and i don't want to get hurt

but. since you can't see this
i'll pour my heart out

i love you
i knew i would as soon as i saw you
as soon as i smelt you
as soon as you embraced me
that trusting embrace that i'll never forget
and then you told me a story
you completely stormed into my life
and you became my life
then
you took a step back
but you left your tracks all over me
i can still feel you inside of me
but you're not actually there
hopefully one day you'll come back

boobs

i wish i could tell you everything
i was almost there
but like everything else in my life that's good
it's been dangled in front of my face
and i've been captivated
and now i'm absorbed
but you don't care anymore
you stepped back
and you've left me hanging
cloud 9 should really be called
cloud fuck off

loverr

if i die before i wake
it'll be ok
maybe more than ok
maybe it'll be better than
it ever was
on my end
and everyone elses
i can stay in an empty world
full of strange objects
i'll find uses for them
even if nobody else finds them useful
it might make me feel like i can
contribute to SOMEthing somehow

unlike here
where i can contribute nothing

someday i'll be in a world that i belong

funny

it's odd that a song that one considers so good
can make you feel so shitty
and so down
but it's still so good

and it begins

this morning i stepped out on my porch
and i watched as you left off to this world
to explore
i can't say i really saw this coming
but i don't have a say in the matter
i don't know when you're coming back
i don't know if you even are coming back
all i know
is that i'll stand on this porch
and i'll wait and hope that you come back
i'll wait until i die

say hi to tests

life is full of them
and now a new one begins
i know what i need to do
i know what i need to do
in order to accomplish it

it's one of those things that
are easier said than done

but i know i can do it
i've done it before
just this time there's a twist

although i have to keep my head up
and keep thinking about the reward

there's no question about whether
it's worth it or not
it is. period
and for that reason
i'm going to do my best
to prove that i also am worth it




i love you

my position

in everything is completely unclear
i have no idea where i stand
all i know is i had an idea before
and it feels like i'm being pushed
in the opposite direction
that or left behind
it makes me ask myself
is it my fault or not
could i have prevented this
or is this just my fate
but either way
if it was my fault
i'm sure it's too late now
if it wasn't my fault
there's still nothing i can do
because i'm trying my best
(or maybe i tried too hard?)

living in the past once again

=

Saturday, January 2, 2010

missing it baaaad

what a stupid show

why does this have to hurt so much
it's supposed to be the most beautiful feeling ever
but it doesn't feel that way at all
no- it's devastating, and discouraging
it certainly hasn't broken my spirit yet
but it will soon
if it does
when it does
i'll be past tainted
and beyond repair
this is for certain make it or break it
i wish it was looking better

Refer to Jan 15/10

Dashboard confessional;
you're supposed to have depressing music
not happy

..

i miss when you wanted me
i miss you trying to stop me when i would go
i miss when i made you feel special
i miss when i could make you smile
i miss when you missed me
i miss you
i miss when i forgot how to cry
i miss when i didn't need to

tonight

tonight wasn't so clear
in fact so foggy
that i couldn't tell
that everything around me
wasn't real

infact
it's so unclear that
i can't even tell
that somewhere there's
a broken heart

but now i've forgotten that feeling
i don't care
because it won't effect me
i'm invincible
i can't feel
i'm gone

Just for tonight

can we call this home
for tonight
for tonight
for tonight

can i call you mine
for tonight
or maybe
tomorrow too

i've been searching
for someone like you
who won't remember me
tomorrow
i won't remember
a thing about you

there's no need for
goodbyes
when we never said hello
i already walked out the door
it will fall apart
and i'll be gone

Why hide?

you see it in a lot of different movies
someone has information
and someone else threatens their life for the info

my question is this:
does life preservation really kick
in that much that people spill their guts
i for one, would find it rather spiteful
to let someone kill me and not get the info

i mean like COME ON
your dead. it's going to happen someday
then they don't get the info
and you've done someone else a favour

geeeeeez

paranoid fever

i don't know if i shrunk
or if the room got bigger
maybe both

but with all this space
there's no air
i can't breathe

i feel heavy
but i'm floating
suspended
i can't move
i can't propel myself anywhere

cloud 9 doesn't feel so comfortable right now

To you:

tonight i have something on my mind
so i'm going to write about it

first of all, this song is stuck in my head


today i was thinking about winning the lottery
so i'm going to do it
i'm just going to buy a lottery ticket
and i will win
mind over matter right?

in addition to those though
my thoughts over the last few days
have lead me to the conclusion
that i'm so ready to move on in life
to the next step of things
to be on my own
in my own place
it seems like a young age in this generation
but we live in a world of defying
the rules of what we can and can't do
i'm ready to do that

Albums of the Decade

it's a bit into 2010 now but i figured i'd put the albums that i loved of the decade.

#1- Circa Survive- Juturna

***beyond this point it's in no particular order. I just had to be clear that Juturna held the number 1 spot:)

Bring Me The Horizon- Suicide Season and Suicide Season Cut Up
August Burns Red- Thrill Seeker and Messengers
Tegan & Sara- The Con and So Jealous
Just Surrender- If These Streets Could Talk
Dashboard Confessional- Swiss Army Romance and The Place You Have Come to Fear the Most
Kanye West- Graduation
Birdman and Lil Wayne- Like Father Like Son
Animals As Leaders- Self Titled
John Mayer- Basically like. EVERY album he put out
Linkin Park- Meteora
As Tall As Lions- Self Titled
Mew- Half the World Is Watching
MGMT- Oracular Spectactular
Neverending White Lights- Act I and II
Nickelback- Silver Side Up
Norma Jean- O' God the Aftermath
Parkway Drive- Killing With A Smile and yah I guess Horizons can be here too
Four Tet- Everything Ecstatic
RJD2- Since We Last Spoke
Underoath- We're Only Chasing Safety
Death Cab for Cutie- Transatlanticism and Plans
The Fall of Troy- Doppleganger
As I Lay Dying- Shadows Are Security and Frail Worls Collapse
Architects- Hollow Crown
The Used- Self Titled
Thrice- Vheissu
The Sounds of Animals Fighting- All of them;)
A Skylit Drive- Wires... and the Concept of Breathing and Adelphia
Sky Eats Airplane- Everything Perfect on the Wrong Day
Saosin- Self Titled
Rise Against- Revolutions per Minute and Siren Song of the Counter Culture
Protest the Hero- Kezia
City and Colour- Sometimes and Bring Me Your Love


I'm sure there's more, but this is the most memorable

love, love, love

last night i saw you for the first time
as soon as it happened
i fell in love with you
and know you fell in love with me

the moment was incredible
you carried me on your wings

then it was gone
you were restricted access
nothing i could ever attempt
would get me back to you

you were an angel
you were mine
i was yours

i'll never forget you

time for your close up

i took this in the summmer. wooooooh for plants

say hi to oreo cake

good God I would love some of this right now!

thinking and it's effects;)

so often we as humans consume ourselves
with thoughts
it drives us to frustration and anger
and upset
all for no reason
our heads are empty cups
waiting to be filled
with thoughts and information
and although i can't explain why
our heads find ways to fill
itself with thoughts if we
can't do it fully or at all
it completes are incomplete thoughts for us
it creates second guesses
and takes away from our gut feeling

though i believe it's good to observe these thoughts
i also believe that those doubts and second guesses
can be dangerous
and can tear you apart

let the thoughts occupy your head
but don't let them consume you

thinking. yum.

this originally didn't post??
well thank God for drafts!!



failure seems to have numerous effects
it can get you down
it can take away your will
to press on
to try again

or it can motivate you
push you
it can teach you
and open your eyes

work work work

even if it wasn't busy at work
work is still keeping my day full!

it's kind of good
kind of bad
i miss the downtime
i also hate small towns:(

on the other hand i'm experiencing
so many different learning styles
so many different levels of effort
of comprehension
and application

all in all, i'd say that i could see
myself doing this for a while

UHOH!

soooo
if anybody is even reading this- i've been slacking a bit
the beginning of new year was a busy busy bitch

but my effort will once again return
so keep watch for posts

there will probably be one later tonight!

Bang

that's how this year started off
the bar has sure been set damn high
this could mean one of two things about
the upcoming year

it could be a goood fucking year

or it could be a disappointment

doesn't really matter what happens
obviously i hope for one more than the other
but the first two days were HOT